Everything in its Right Place

Thanks Radiohead.

Sometimes it is easy to know when it is time for a change. Lives get bogged down, become more difficult, and rather than wallow in misery, or give in to the circumstances, we fight through towards something better, or at least something different.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always present itself that cleanly. Sometimes, when you’re  most comfortable,  when so many things are finally coming together and your path seems so crystal clear, some lagging, nagging feeling washes over you, followed by that sickening sensation that things need altering, refocusing, or maybe drastic reorganization.

“But, I love this______ ! I am finally completely happy, where I want to be.”

I remember when I knew it was time to quit the library. Sure, it had become something less than I wanted it to be and much of what I loved about SLC Public was gone, but I loved the core of what libraries are, what they mean to communities, and there was that voice in my head that kept saying-“You worked so hard for this, what are you without it?”

I’m still figuring that part out, but the change had to come and I finally trusted that realization.

When my family moved from West Valley City to West Jordan, I was not ready for that sort of change. I was 15 and just starting to come into myself. I had good friend. A new Jr. High opened that year, and after two brutal years at Kennedy Jr, I was starting to feel safe at school. Like any kid, I didn’t want to move away from that and start over.

It ended up being the right move. I went to a  high school, rather than Jr. high, formed friendships I still value, that have endured, and though I desperately missed much of my old life, the move opened up opportunity and experiences that helped me grow. Certainly I would have had similar stories if I had stayed in West valley, but I sincerely feel this move was necessary. Most importantly, I was able to start relationships with an almost blank page. All my past history was irrelevant. Sure, it was still what made up most of my personality, but the new people I was meeting didn’t share those stories. Our friendships were based on what they saw in me now, now who I was in elementary school, Jr. high, or any other place.

I left an area where I witnessed terrible things, friends who (rightly) feared their parents anger, who never felt safe anywhere, where I saw kids beat the holy hell out of other kids just because they could, people who had next to nothing, and moved to a place that wasn’t perfect, but on the surface seemed infinitely safer. That appearance made all the difference.

I have to remind myself of this. I am such a different person than I was at that age. Much of what I believe and who I am would shock my younger self, and it is easy for the current me to be very hard on the younger one, how he grew up, his affection for the suburbs. If I am being honest, if I say what I really know, that part of my life is invaluable.

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About fenster

There are some who call me, Tim?

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