A Reflection

When I decided to no longer be afraid, I was amazed at how much of my life had been dictated by fear-filled decisions. Sadly, rather than learning to move forward, let the choices of the past guide me to a better, less fearful future, I determined to lash out in anger at everyone and everything I perceived had slighted me, lead me down a path that really wasn’t my own. In many ways, that period of my life was the worst. I was caught in a spiral of frustration, anger, misplaced passion and self destructive behavior.

It took me years to work through things, longer still to find a better path. I learned the same lessons over and over until they finally started to sink in. I didn’t know everything, didn’t have every answer. In fact, my current direction had kept me just as stagnant as living a life of fear had.

Learning I really knew very little, that any wisdom I had amassed was embarrassingly small  frustrated and embarrassed me. I felt the insignificance that always accompanies that sort of revelation. My thoughts, my ideas, my life, they were just tiny drops in a massive ocean. For the first time, maybe ever, I was humbled, not by fear, or guilt, but by and actual moment of understanding. It was a very good thing.

After that moment, I finally began climbing out of the massive hole I had buried myself  in, one handful of dirt at a time.

A life long process of letting my past alone, letting people around me make their own decisions without my useless judgments. I stopped blaming other people for my mistakes. Most importantly, I stopped worrying about what I didn’t know or didn’t understand. If I had questions, I asked. I still make mistakes, we all do. I regress, progress, stagnate. I still know very little and am often amazed at the amount of things I have yet to learn. I still feel insignificant at times, still feel like a tiny drop. The ocean is as immense as ever.

-Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops- David Mitchell

 

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About fenster

There are some who call me, Tim?

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