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What frightens you the most?  I asked this question on Twitter a while back and while the answers were sometimes silly, some were very interesting and serious.

“Boredom” one friends replied. Yeah, I get that. That scares me too.

“Becoming like my father.” Said another. Point taken.

My first thought was mediocrity. The more that rolled around in my brain, the more pretentious and narcissistic that felt. The only judge of my mediocrity should be me, but I would only be able to compare it to the efforts and results of others.

Today, I am going with complacency, which is the enemy of growth.

What I loved about being in college was the constant challenge to better myself, learn and grow. Of course, that challenge is mediated by the large sums of money I paid to be taught those things. Once that mediation was gone, once I found myself finally in the adult world, it was very easy to step back and let it ride.

Fortunately, I chose to work in the library, a place that again stepped in and demanded I continue to learn new ways to access and find information, better ways to deliver it to patrons. I found myself in school again, this time earning a Masters  degree in Library Science.

Something always between me and my innate complacency. Mediation.

I no long have that job, that motivation. No longer something in between, pushing me. I find other ways from time to time, dig myself out of the stagnant water I find it easier and easier to lay down in, be still.

Today has been a hard one and it will only get more difficult. Sadly, a member of the boys birth family died this morning and while we were not very close, I feel the weight of her passing. I don’t know exactly how to tell the boys this and I don’t know how to make them feel better once I do. Maybe that isn’t the point.

It is hard to not focus on how this affects me but it does make that complacency seem more dangerous than ever.  Every cliche rears its head. No one is guaranteed any more time. Live life while you can. Love those around you.  Tell people what they mean to you. Swallow your fear and embrace the world and all the pain and joy it brings.

Yeah, they are all good things.

Mediation

Have an answer yet?

 

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About fenster

There are some who call me, Tim?

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