“It’s Like You Never Had Wings”

Title stolen from Deftones, Change (in the house of flies).


Good Afternoon, kittens.

Odd day. More snow, and more snow…back still hurts and and I can’t really do much but wait for the Chiropractor appointment tomorrow.

I have been thinking (dangerous) about a recent conversations. Every other week, my family gets together for Sunday dinner. Always a riot, always good for a laugh and some really clever conversation. This past week, my father attended (he usually only comes on birthday celebrations). Whether I like it or not, he and I are very similar. We like similar music, similar movies and similar books. I walk like him, talk with similar inflections. The older I get, the more alike we look. Often, extended family members will comment that photos of me remind them of him.

The after dinner discussion revolved around the evolving nature of music, the Internet, and television. We talked about how much warmer the sound of new vinyl was-how analog music often sounds better than digitally recorded music.  I pointed out that regardless of that feeling, the industry, while recording more analog music, still sells it digitally. Vinyl sales are stronger than ever, but digital downloads make up the bulk of purchases. CD’s are going away. Digital book sales are on the rise and while I don’t think books are every going away, most reading will be done on a tablet of some sort. Internet and television are already merging and soon enough they will be the same thing.

Rather than disputing my point, my father’s argument was he would never get his music or books digitally. As if that reason alone, that his generation liked these things to be tactile (actual pages to turn or discs, records to touch, look at) was going to stop the digital progression.

It frustrates me sometimes.

I love my father. He was a fantastic dad, always finding time for me and my interests. As he aged, things changed. He changed, though he might not want to admit that. His humor went from being light and very funny, to a dark, often inappropriate place. He has lost the ability to filter himself in certain situations. What he sees as innocent is often taken a different way.

I don’t blame him for his cynicism, or even his harder edge.  Living often has that affect on us and no one is immune from becoming jaded.

I see that in myself the older I get.

Change becomes harder.

But this post is not about condemning my father for his life choices. I understand them, perhaps better than some of my siblings and I forgive him for all of his indiscretions, even the choices that devastated my family.

I only write these things because I think some of these life choices have lead to a stagnation. The older we get, the more resistant we can become.  But I worry. My father was a cutting edge guy, always aware of changes in music, literature and the like. He still reads voraciously (three books or more a week), still watches tons of movies, likes to think of himself as politically aware (and he may be, more so that I am for sure). He spends the majority of his funds on music books and movies. His refusal to not only adopt, but even acknowledge the current digital climate baffles me.

It makes me wonder-What things do I refuse to acknowledge? Where in my life am I refusing to embrace changes? And more importantly, is all this negativity towards my fathers attitude only a mechanism to avoid changing my own perspective?

Better choices…stretch my wings and fly.




About Ryan Carty

There are some who call me, Tim?

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